BEING GOOD TO ME

 Hello and thank you for stopping by! It’s raining here, has been for days and the rivers and streams are in overdrive with massive flooding. I hope that you are okay wherever you are. As for me I am a bit stressed these days so have retreated to knitting and writing. I feel somewhat better when I put myself first. I know that might sound selfish but I need to prioritize in my mind what comes first…having a heart attack or taking a break from life. Just joking.

I think many of you reading this have developed coping mechanisms and strategies for dealing psychologically with life issues and unpleasant situations. I have dealt with horrible life circumstances by retreating into myself. I have suffered my whole life with social anxiety and a lack of self confidence. I hide it well but lately it is manifesting itself again. I rather think I am my mother’s child after all. My father had lots of self confidence and an extremely outgoing personality. He loved to laugh, sing, and was very well known for his ingenuity and hard work. His mind was always working, trying to figure out his next scheme for making money. He also loved to read and play golf. My mother the exact opposite. She was a product of the great DEPRESSION of the 30’s, all work no play for her. And, her father was an alcoholic and abusive. My Grandmother, my mother’s mother, God rest her soul, (if there are rewards waiting for us in heaven, she has a stack of them) was more like Dad but had a bit more common sense. She grew up in a large family, 10 brothers and sisters, her being the youngest.  She was hard working, very little education, but made a success of everything she did. She was the nucleus of our little family circle. She was loved by everyone and was affectionately known as “Grammy” to many of the younger Islanders. She had her driver’s license so she drove us wherever we needed to go that was super important. They lived close by but my grandfather didn’t want her to be away from him unless it was something Dad couldn’t do. But Dad worked all the time, a fisherman has very little time to chauffeur. Grammy was musical and loved to sing and be with her friends at church or was with my mother. They did everything together. She was a very good cook so worked for summer people and later cooked in my parents restaurant.

My poor mother was a total wreck. An only child. Very anxious and introverted. When my grandmother died in her 80’s, mom had her version of a mental breakdown. She never ever got over the loss of her mother and later, my Dad. Grammy was mom’s best friend. And, I really never understood why she couldn’t cope better. Why she never got her driver’s license, why she allowed herself to become obese. I didn’t see much of my family after I graduated high school. I wanted to get as far away from the Island and my very restricted upbringing as possible. At that point I had never heard the words “I love you” from them but did hear the words “no” and “work” a lot, or you should do this or that, etc.

We would visit at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and in the summer holidays from work. I lived in Canada, on the Island but the last 44 years in Pennsylvania. My parents had a seafood restaurant for over 50 years, very busy in the summer. 

 

Fast forward to now, 2024. I raised my children totally different. And they in turn are raising or have raised their children as they see fit. I tried to give them every opportunity I never had. We had vacations, they had an allowance , bikes, friends staying over, opportunities to go to camp, dates, proms, rock concerts, shopping trips to malls, car pooling, their own vehicles, college educations but most important they were told they were loved. Now I’m not saying we didn’t have disagreements because my son and I very often didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of behavior issues. But, I would like to think he would have a lot of good memories. But, I digress. What I now realize is, I didn’t try to understand why my mother was the way she was. I always knew that I loved her but we were not close. Taking care of her in her last 5 years I would hear people here in Pennsylvania, my neighbors, ask me why I would leave my family, my husband, to go to Maine to take care of my mother who should be in a nursing home. Well, I guess that the one thing about my mother that I did understand was her fears. IShe had lots of them and they caused her a lot of anguish. She just couldn’t cope and she dug her feet in. She feared nursing homes. She could not cope with losing dad but if she had to leave her home and dad’s ashes she would cry herself to death. I had no problem making the decision because I loved her. And, during those years we became good friends. And, I finally after 70 years got to hear those words, “I love you so much.” 

Well, I’ve rambled on. What I’m saying is I am realizing now I am more like that  person who I couldn’t understand all those years ago. I now have my actions and lack there of being questioned with the “whys” . Life comes around in a circle . If you are still with me, thanks for being there reading about what I am thinking on this rainy day.